Why?
by Ichigo No Ki
Summary: After doing the same thing night after night, over and over again, Kai thinks on his addictions and recalls the moment when it all came to an end. Yaoi, kairei, oneshot.


**Disclaimer:I don't own Beyblade, but youshould reallyknow that**

**Warnings: Yaoi, don't like, don't read, don't flame. simple. Ermm, yeah, this an angst fic so believe it or not, there will be angst.That's about it. **

**This is a birthday fic for mimi, sorry it's late. Happy Birthday! **

**

* * *

Why?**

I watch as it seeps from broken veins, in a memory, the beauty of the crimson liquid slowly draining away- the perfect symbol of life turning into the brutal harbinger of death. Wounded skin decorated with crooked white scars stretching from years ago, an addiction too hard to beat. I've forsaken my life for my addictions so many times now I can't even count. So many times I've told myself to quit before doing the exact same thing again. But I crave it, you see, my addiction is the only thing that melts the ice I've held inside me, the only thing that makes me forget the dull pain I've carried around me. I've had many addictions in my life to aid me through my lowest points, to help me survive a life full of hurt. My latest, current and deepest just so happens to be you.

I crave you, I need you. One kiss from you and you've got me as your slave. I belong to you and only you and there's no way I can break free. Every order to give me, I comply to, despite knowing how wrong it is. You don't love me; you've never even tried to pretend to hold such a deep emotion for me. This doesn't mean anything to you; it's just sex, pure and simple. I know that, there's no sense in believing otherwise. But that doesn't stop me loving you. And this is why it's wrong. You know I love you but you just use that fact to your advantage, you manipulate my emotions to lure me to your room. And it kills me. Being used by you destroys my insides until I can't breathe and yet every night I return to you. Your bed's become my prison. I'm just a shell fop a man, a ghost playing the part of the living, but when I'm inside you, I feel something – The sensation of your hot skin against mine, the pleasure of having a body moving beneath me, the ecstasy as it all comes to an end but the strongest feeling this _thing _gives me….is the way you make me feel when you call my name, just like you want me, like you need me and only me.

It's a lie. I'm aware of that. You could have anyone you want with a shy laugh as you blush oh so cutely. You can draw anyone in without even trying. They all believe your little act. But I never bought it. I know what lies behind the cheerful mask and the naive words. But then again, you never use them like you use me, do you? You flirt and you tease and you let them believe that it's going somewhere but I'll always be the one to take you home. I asked you once, when I was getting ready to sneak out, why me? Why did you choose me? You smiled at me, a flicker of mischief glowing briefly in your beautiful golden eyes and you replied simply that I was hot and good in bed. But being the arrogant arsehole that I am, I already knew that. However, you didn't give me chance to argue. You placed yourself on my lap, a pout gracing your swollen lips and proceeded to kiss me, starting at my neck and steadily moving downwards, hands touching me in ways you know will make me moan, We've done this so many times you know exactly what to do to make me beg for more, and so you continue downwards in a way you now will get me breathless with anticipation. Licking, kissing, biting, touching a trail down my body until I manage out a soft 'Rei…please' and you murmur 'Kai….' in reply causing me to shiver with want. And that's when you move further down and I lose all sense of reason, becoming your slave once more.

You know I never believed what you said, that you only did this to me because I was 'hot' and 'good in bed'. I'd never be fool enough to even entertain the thought that you did this to me because you care for me. I know the most you've ever felt for me was lust, possibly friendship in our Bladebreaker days. No, I bet you do this for the power. The power of seducing your stoic, unresponsive captain, reducing into nothing but your loyal fuck-toy. I'm more open with you then I've ever been with anyone and you thrive on that. I'm completely under your control, and you love it.

I'm a fucked-up man. I've messed my life up so bad that it's impossible to fix it. I've got so many regrets that I can only remember half of them. I was broken and bleeding long before I met you and you broke me again. But, I never realised just how screwed up you were.

I came to you tonight. The same time as always. It's become instinct. I do it mechanically, always rising from my bed the same time and making my way into yours. But tonight was different. I knocked on your door but you didn't greet me with that self-satisfied smirk on your face like you normally do, no you didn't come. So I went in, I figured you really wouldn't give a damn if I did and what I saw brought on more sensations, more emotions, more _pain then_ anything ever done to me.

I saw you. Lying there on your stained bed covers, your beautiful hair covering your now pale face, your extraordinary eyes hidden whilst a pool of red gathered around you. I saw you lying there. Dead.

The doctors don't' have much hope for you. They said it's unrealistic to believe you're going to wake up; you've already left me; you're already gone. And as I'm standing here by your bed, there's only one word echoing through my mind. Why?

Why did you do this to yourself? I know I know nothing about your past, but were you really that fucked-up in the head? Did you really feel that much pain? And all I can think about are the nights I spent with you, taking in every part of your body and yet I never realised just why there were so many scars along your wrist. And I juts can't contemplate why you would do that to yourself. You didn't even leave a fucking suicide note to tell me why! I opened up to you, I let you in, and you knew every little thing about me so why couldn't you just tell what was wrong! Why did you let it get this far, keep it all inside to eat away at you. Do you not realise I would give up everything I had, including my life, just to see you happy? Couldn't you see how much I need you?

So I hope wherever you are now, whether you're still lying in that wrecked once perfect body, floating in the clouds of heaven or drowning in the depths of hell, I hope you're happy now. We've ruined both our lives with our pitiful addictions and I hope you feel the satisfaction of knowing what you've done to me. I'm not numb anymore, I'm very much alive, more alive than I've ever been and yet it hurts more now that I know that. This pain is just too real and I can't stand it.

You were the only reason for my being, for my existence. Addictions exist to get us through the day but you took mine away and it _hurts, _oh, God it hurts. And I'm crying for you. I'm actually crying, black tears trying to ease away my grief and failing pathetically. You've reduced me to nothing I lived for those nights with you but you're not here anymore. You stole my life away from me. Without you, I am nothing. And I can't help but wonder, was this your plan all along? To make me suffer? To turn a once proud and accomplished man into a living corpse? Did you really hate me that much? And I wish I could see you again, just so you can answer the only question I have left. Just so you can tell me; why?

* * *

...I still can't believe I did that...ah well. The end.

reviews?

see ya

Tictac angelxxx


End file.
